Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another successful year no random father's day cards in the mail!!!

   Remember, Bibles are for reading and not waving.

   How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?

   My girlfriend does this cute lil thing where she pretends like she's not my girlfriend and screams "help me" everytime I open my trunk.

   It's all good to be a religious person.. Just do it way over there... Away from me

   In hell, you actually look like the first selfie you take.

   Relationship status: "Yeah, we can totally go out, but first, I need you to take this short spelling test."

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.

   Wait. The US has a soccer team?

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt: "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   A midget fortuneteller escaped from prison. Police say there is a small medium at large.

   Starbucks will provide free college education to thousands of employees. Unfortunately the diplomas will have their names misspelled.

   I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally unavailable so get at me ladies.

   America put men on the moon; we don’t care if we can put a ball in a net.

   In hell, women are even more right.

   This Facebook is really cutting into my other time wasting activities.

   It's such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV

   It's not a mental breakdown if the police wasn't called.

   I've given my couch the best years of my life