Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.

   How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.

   Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.

   President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?

   My thigh gap brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "standing with your feet 5 feet apart isn't a thigh gap."

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please

   I will be a functioning member of society today -calls in sick

   I wish I loved anything as much as women love telling other women "that's perfectly normal" without any medical training whatsoever.

   " How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman

   I got to work late this morning so I have to leave early to make up for it.

   "You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........

   Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I bothknow I don't make enough money to have a drugproblem

   "Dammit I'm Mad" is spelled the same way backwards..

   TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"

   What do women and an ambulance have in common? They make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

   World Cup Soccer reminds me of poor mans hockey

   Kermit the frog puppets sales are up......but that's none of my business tho!

   Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank