Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think after the World Cup they all have orange slices and drink capri suns after the game and then their moms pick them up in their minivans? ‪#‎SoccerSucks‬

   MONDAYS ARE LIKE THAT UNCLE THAT USED TO HOLD YOU DOWN AND FART IN YOUR FACE...he was laughing but we never were...

   How to walk UP the down escalator:... Step 1:... Step 1:.... Step 1:... Step 1:...Step 1:...

   Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.

   Woman failed the battle of the sexes when you started to do pole dancing and class it as exercise

   whatever you do, no matter how hard it is. never engage panic mode

   That moment when spurs get a 20 point lead and I got diarrhea.....

   Poor Duane will have to Wade till next year.

   Looks like LeBron is done till cramp begins next season.

   Just wrapped up a great Father's Day with a phone call with my Dad. He taught me everything I know about fishing, grilling,and fixing things. He also taught me what to say and how to say it if I stub my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer. Thanks Dad!

   Just turned on the NBA game on the "Spur" of the moment.

   Today is the most confusing day in the hood... You are not the father!!!!! Maury

   She died doing what she loved. Taking a car selfie.

   Shout out to all the deadbeat dads and sperm donors this Father's Day. Unbeknownst to you, there are kids everywhere that are becoming AMAZING PEOPLE because they want to be nothing like you.

   Reach for the stars and let your feet leave the ground now. Thanks for 40 years of great memories.

   I just need like 3 or 4 girls I can be faithful to.

   You actually have friends? "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

   Id like to wish myself a happy Pulling Out Day !!!

   "How much for the super-cool fanny pack?" "Ma'am, that's a colostomy bag."

   Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with 'give me the good stuff' written on it.