Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their mind

   A group of babies is called i'm leaving

   "Doc, you gotta help me I'm under so much stress. I keep losing my temper." "Tell me about your problem." "I just did, you f*¢king moron!"

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   *cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd...

   Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: No Sir. I thought sure you would know.

   Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.

   Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean

   If she spits on the hotdog before she eats the hotdog, she's a keeper.

   I thought 'Pokemon' was a Jamaican P0rn... My bad...

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   I am a very very very bad influence In a good way.

   Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.

   I think, therefore I drink.

   i'll make better mistakes tomorrow