Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   "Can I have a cake please?" "Oh what's the special occasion?" "I'm fat"

   I Have No Idea What's Going On: A Guide to Dating

   I can't believe people still get divorced, it's like they don't even know Wiz Khalifa relationship advice accounts exist.

   You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   "No, officer - this is medicinal roadhead."

   Sex so good she wakes up from her coma

   Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone called me gay I'd be able to afford front row tickets to the Cher concert.

   My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

   My parents walking in on me & my wife having sex was bad enough without the high five from Dad, or Mom telling me to "put my hips into it".

   "Everything you do bothers me." A love story.

   Top dating profile qualities: 1. I kill spiders 2. I do push ups with my tongue

   If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.

   Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We'll let you know.

   Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That's how many seconds you just wasted.

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

   My tonight my girlfriend is equal parts the internet, a tube of KY jelly, self-loathing and a sock.