jake Funny Status Messages

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   View the world the way you would like it to be, and not as it is. It's less stressful.

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.

   At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.