SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   Really proud of my parallel parking job. Come see it at 4350 West Elm until 8.

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   That which does not kill me has been everything so far.

   Every time I say "I love you too", I'm thinking about the band so, technically not a lie.

   In a movie, if there is big fish tank and someone has a gun, you can bet they're gonna shoot that fish tank and it's gonna be great.

   Made it through the day without smoking any Peeps marshmallow bunnies. Feeling strong.

   If 40 is the new 20, does that mean 20 is the new 10, and if so, do I need to delete these photos off my phone?

   If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

   Right about now, Billy Crystal is waking up totally nude in a huge champagne glass somewhere.

   My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display like a museum.

   Thanks to the 96 years of sun bathing grandma doesn't need a leather jacket to ride on the motorcycle with me.

   All old ladies will answer to the name "Bev." Try it out if you don't believe me.

   I never understood what liking large asses had to do with being fallacious, but who am I to question the genius of a knighted rapper.

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.

   If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

   Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.

   Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can sh!t in you aren't dressed up.