SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   I now have the same number of Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.

   "I have 37 pairs of shoes, 23 purses, 9 pairs of sunglasses & an overflowing closet but how dare you waste $200 on that stupid toy!" - Women

   I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

   The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.

   I got fired from work on pajama day... It's not my fault I sleep naked.

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

   China just reported an earthquake... but it turns out it was just everyone cheering at once when Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs.

   "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store

   "A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.

   Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

   Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.

   A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.

   I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

   Might start telling people I'm a blacksmith. You can't prove I'm not.

   I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."