KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

   ‎"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”

   Why do they call it "the birds and the bees"? I can't imagine those two getting freaky with each other."

   I don't see dead people, I just see people that I wish were dead.

   No one man has done more to bring peace to mankind than the inventor of coffee.

   You don't lose weight; you get rid of it, unless you intend on finding it again.

   Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.

   Even crappy coffee is better than no coffee at all.

   I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.

   You drink a lot. You use crude language. You have low morals. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a friend!

   Have you ever done it kitty style? It's like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.

   When I die I want written on my tombstone "Finally Offline".

   I don't feel bad about online shopping at work. It's the only place where I can spend money WHILE I make it.

   3-pack condoms are ideal for married couples: Birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day.

   I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

   Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   My sexual preference is you… daily!