GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.

   I'm not turning my clock back an hour on Nov 1st because seriously none of us need an extra hour of 2023.

   I just saw a mosquito with a coat on. They're not giving up!

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   I'm almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

   Here is some good free advice. When you see someone gorgeous, this is what I do. I just stare until I get tired, then I put the mirror down and go do something else.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is upset with you, simply tell her that you'll buy her some crayons if she wants to keep acting like a child. After hearing this, she will immediately reflect on her behavior and calm down.

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.