Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   ME: “I’m totally over my ex” VODKA: “We’ll see about that”

   My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.

   2 girls and 1 guy, 0 self respect

   Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?

   If por n has taught me anything it’s that if you’re going to put anything in your mouth, you better spit on it first.

   "Sure, why not" - Nicolas Cage being offered any role for any movie

   If you are a man and your girl is taller than you. I am going to assume you're a lesbian couple.

   Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.

   Even the devil shakes his head at people that put raisins in cookies.

   I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.

   Complain that you are bored and I will ignore you like I am busy.

   I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.

   Okay, I'll admit it. I just don't have the stamina required by most women. I mean, who can listen to a story for 40 minutes?

   Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

   I can never invite the neighbors into my house because they might recognize their stuff.

   The only difference between sanity and insanity is someone else's opinion.

   When Kanye and Kim finally break up - does that automatically put her back on the Black market? Asking for Lil Wayne.

   My relationship with pizza is the only relationship that has never failed me.

   My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   With great power comes great difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.