Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"

   Which surprise would be worse .The 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, or "Just look at the flowers" kind.

   A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   How much for this brick of gold? Sir, that's a block of cheese.

   I had to explain to my brother that a milf is supposed to be someone else's mother..

   As long as I have my hand up her skirt, she is my puppet.

   *gay guy hits on me* ME: I'm straight. GAY GUY: So is spaghetti, until it's hot & wet. If any man gets to have me, it's this dude...

   "Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"

   The only bad thing about not caring if the toilet paper roll goes under or over is forgetting which way you put it on while taking a dump in the dark

   I totally love and fully respect that you're a little bit slutty

   “The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

   I have eggs in a carton in the back of the frig. I think they've been there for months. They now may be an I.E.D. I don't know what to do. Advise please, OVER?

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

   Why swallow ur pride ,when you can make someone swallow their teeth

   Jeremy Meeks the hot convict set to get a $100,000 per month modelling contract. While with my college degree, I'm expected to earn in a year at the PEAK of my future career. I love how our society glorifies violent criminals when honest, hard-working peo

   "Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute, I'll find someone" - finger pointers and cowards alike

   The Germans ate Brazil for dinner. They were the wurst!

   Walking around Wal Mart with my left shoe off.

   You know perfect people are annoying because it is difficult to take advantage of them