Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol, because depression doesn't take a day off.

   I have a life outside the internet. But not on purpose.

   How much for the torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

   I'm white but not "I know who my state senator is", white.

   Sorry I roasted marshmallows over your meltdown.

   Love is being willing to die for someone that you want to disfigure with acid, decapitate, and send through a wood chipper on a daily basis.

   You're like the warm beer of people.

   I accidentally touched my wife's boob and she didn't recoil in disgust so things are looking up.

   Posted 14 hours ago Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...

   For very action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   Obama is now googling "Can an executive order override Supreme Court?"

   The thing's you think of when its 1:30 in the morning What if carpet grew like grass and every once in a while you would have to mow the lounge room

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Stop acting like you don't care. I'm starting to believe you.

   What doesn't kill me makes my wife go back to the drawing board and try just a little harder the next time.

   POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.

   Best worm parent advice... Try to sleep in kids.

   It's time once again for Americans to celebrate our independence by combining explosives and large amounts of alcohol.

   Life's a piano and I'm playing it wearing boxing gloves.