Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a battle of the bulge joke about a month ago, and I still have no comeback."

   I just got stuck in my office chair, and now I'm breathing into a paper bag..

   I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   one of my aunts called me #oomf on facebook so naturally I blocked her

   Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..

   Happiness in not seeing your enemy's face.

   Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.

   According to his wife, Rolf Harris has been painting since the day of his arrest - his cell is going to look lovely! Hope you rot in hell Rolf...

   Fart along if you feel like you really gotta poop, because I'm gassy. Pharell Williams looking for a toilet.

   Happy Canada Day! Time to get drunk eh?!?!

   A guy goes into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "Can I help you?" The duck says "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

   A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel hanging off his belt buckle. The bartender asks "What's up with the steering wheel?" The pirate says "Arrgh. It's drivin' me nuts."

   Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

   When Mike Tyson says “Bithneth”…… You know he really means business.

   what idiot called them pregnant women and not bodybuilders

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   "Can I have a cake please?" "Oh what's the special occasion?" "I'm fat"

   I Have No Idea What's Going On: A Guide to Dating

   I can't believe people still get divorced, it's like they don't even know Wiz Khalifa relationship advice accounts exist.