Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever been at the beach and looked at the face of a scantly-clad teenager and think; "Jail Bait." But than look at her body and wonder just how much jail time they are talking about?

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin from USA: if we send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   If you can't handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out

   Dude I'm in my prime, you don't need the roofies.

   I just want to hang out with some people whose asses I don't have to wipe. Is that too much to ask.?

   X says •••note to self•••- I look pretty crazy talking to myself about notes.

   If my girlfriend really loved me she would be Megan Fox.

   Do you consider it as an insult to be hit on by a gay guy? YES - t hums d0wn NO - t humbs Uo

   f your cat really loved you it would be a dog.

   It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

   My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   real men don't overuse emojis.

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   The reason wedding invitations go out so far in advance is to give guests time to find something else to do.

   a lot of wankers here who will thumb down a good joke cos it threathens their own

   Lesbians are just guys I am not allowed to punch.

   my dinner taste like lazyness and the day before payday!