Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

   Why swallow ur pride ,when you can make someone swallow their teeth

   Jeremy Meeks the hot convict set to get a $100,000 per month modelling contract. While with my college degree, I'm expected to earn in a year at the PEAK of my future career. I love how our society glorifies violent criminals when honest, hard-working peo

   "Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute, I'll find someone" - finger pointers and cowards alike

   The Germans ate Brazil for dinner. They were the wurst!

   Walking around Wal Mart with my left shoe off.

   You know perfect people are annoying because it is difficult to take advantage of them

   Tony Orlando loved to eat at the crack of Dawn.

   I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.

   As usual the UN remains inactive in yet another massacre in Brazil #WorldCup2014

   Alarm clock alarms in the morning!!! Scolari's wife: Sir wake up it is 7. Scolari: Ohhhh, have they scored another one!!!!!

   wanna know what the Toronto Maple Leaf players do for the summer? Apparently they play soccer for Brazil. bawaaa!

   How much for the license to kill? Ma'am, thats a marriage certificate.

   Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.

   The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It's like winning an award.

   I think my girlfriend can transform into a bee. She only transforms in the bathroom though, I always hear the buzzing sound.

   I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

   UP for The Undertaker. DOWN for John Cena.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.