Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my wife asks me to hold her purse, I look cool by looking over my shoulder nervously as if I'd just snatched it.

   I like to buy someone a birthday gift at CVS so then I can make a ribbon out of the receipt ‪#‎recycle‬

   A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.

   Apparently there is a difference between Hamas and Hummus... So I have been avoiding my fridge for nothing.

   Malaysian Airlines - Worse with planes than Casey Anthony is with children!

   I cracked two jokes earlier about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed and burned.

   People on the plane, rained mainly on Ukraine

   What do you call Converse on a nun? Nunchucks.

   can someone tell Andrew Jackson we read Snarkecards also

   If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.

   Prince's greatest hits now under twenty quid, so tonight I'm going to party like it's £19.99.

   Some people shouldn't talk unless they can improve on the silence.

   Possible post if Facebook was around in 1968) Busy day today. Me and my cousin rode are bikes all over town. Later we went fishing and after that played some basketball , don't text us we don't have a cell phone............

   I make guys nervous when I go braless... Because at that point... They see I have bigger balls than they do!

   Ladies... When they say it's all downhill after 40... Just know.... They're talking about gravity!

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .

   Just when I got the best place to hide a body, I forgot who I lent my shovel. . .

   If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.

   I don't know that Hamas and ceasefire should be used in the same sentence...

   President Obama called for the immediate cessation of hostilities in Gaza today. He went on to warn that if there isn't a peace treaty signed by both sides on his desk by the end of the week, that he has a phone and a pen. "My Will Be Done" -- B. Hussein