Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to see real peace and a state of Israel living peacefully alongside a state of Palestine.

   starting a dating site for old farts like me calling it carbon dating

   What if I told you none of this was real? "Sir, just pay us your credit card debt."

   On a scale of Feebie from Friends to Samantha from sex and the city…just how crazy are you?

   "Really, Americans get a bad rap for being fat & gluttonous" I told my foreign friend as I turned to page 76 in my Cheesecake Factory Menu.

   Kanye West will be releasing a country album under the pseudonym of Kanye Twitty.

   I've been a sucker for titties since the day I was born...

   4-year-olds can be a pain in the ass. 4-year old nice: “Why don’t you wear makeup?” Me: “Because I don’t need to. I’m a boy.” 4-year old nice: “Do you enjoy being ugly?”

   You're allowed to make anti-gay statements, and companies are allowed to make anti-you statements by firing you. Free speech works.

   Congrats to LeBron for being the first person in human history to successfully escape Ohio and then go back by choice.

   On a scale of 1 to "Why the hell are you looking at my phone while i'm texting?", how paranoid are you?

   Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember someone has to clean the bathroom at TacoBell

   it still considered premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?

   Hoax 1. humorous or malicious deception. 2. something intended to deceive or defraud. (Some of you really needed to learn this.)

   ever wonder if someone trusts you? grab the hammer & say "hold the nail"

   it still consensual if she agrees not to call the cops?

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.

   Sorry, I only date crazy girls. If there's not a 50/50 chance I'll have to file a restraining order at some point plz don't waste my time.

   There's nothing that a well-planned homicide can't fix.