Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....

   No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud.

   If you have a car payment on your Kia, you're doing it wrong...

   I can't wait to see all the $hit people start throwing at drummers now!

   It's sad when people on welfare make more money than I do

   Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.

   I'm regreterosexual.

   I'm killing drinks like it's the alcoholocaust.

   Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.

   Don't be upset that you're single; be happy that someone isn't ruining your life.

   I give different relationship advice to ugly people than I give to beautiful ones coz the rules are not the same.

   Hey airlines; how 'bout you seat all the heavyweights in the same rows? I only got to sit in half the seat I paid for today!

   The worst part about having a teenager is every time I lose my weed, I freak out and wonder if my son took it.

   Women are beautiful creatures. Just beware of the claws, and fangs.

   Oh, you're a social drinker, I'm an anti-social drinker, nice to never meet you.

   Somewhere in the world is a woman named Rosetta Stone, and her husband still has no clue what the hell she's talking about.

   Thinking burns calories. This is why so many of us are fat.

   I need a new bad decision.

   Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That's it. That's the joke.

   Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.