Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both might be alive today.

   I would totally sell your soul for a cup of coffee right now.

   My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who is watching me”

   A Japanese company upset Americans by selling clothes labeled Skinny, Fat and Jumbo. They have since changed them to Large, Extra Large and American.

   Million dollar idea: Nothing's better than the smell of a new born baby. Now if we could figure out how to bottle that in a mans cologne. Hear that sound? That's the sound of bra's snapping all over.

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   My therapist told me...nothing you idiot vodka can't talk.

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.

   How much for the erotica kit? Sir, that's a package of bacon.

   Duct tape. Turning "No" into "mmmmmmffff" since 1871.

   Nice status. You're out of alcohol again aren't you?

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!

   Where's the I want to punch you in the face button?

   I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister

   I'm gonna take a jog... down to that seat at the end of the bar!

   Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.