Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my day, a hashtag was called a pound sign. And before that, we played Tic-Tac-Toe on that $hit.

   Been teaching the grandkids about taxes at DQ by eating 38% of their ice cream.......

   Chicken Omelette - a vendetta against the chicken race! Usually when a contract chicken killer who has it in for the chicken, to not only take out a hen's eggs, but to stuff it with chicken! 2 generations of chicken dead!

   When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call..."America's most wanted" or Pedofiliers/Stalkers

   I love this new Pope...He is so different! I dont even think he's not even Christian. He excommunicated Italian Mafias on Mafia war. He's like Go to chruch...or nah! hashtag whateves!

   Me: "Do you want to go out” Her: "Like on a date?" Me: "No...out on a bridge so I can push you off!"

   “Mom I’m bleeding”“Oh sweetie there’s" "no need to be worried it's just a sign ur becomin a woman" "Thnk God, I was really starting to get worried about this axe inmy shoulder!"

   So when those annoying Student/Bill Debt collectors call and ask me to verify my information and this call maybe recorded for training purposes....I usually tell em my number recently changed, n give them some other debt collector's number! problem solved

   in other news...A TSA member was arrested today in Miami. When the HOmeland Security searched her house, aside from finding a px4 hand gun, some mariajana....they found a disney snowglobe fulled of a suspicious white powder!

   Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   I mean, who hasn't been in a drug deal gone bad?

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Black girls can easily commit a crime and get away with it becuase the forensic unit would find hair at the crime scene and trace it back to Brazil!

   When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot

   Im proud to announce that my work has upgraded the toilet paper selection from 1-ply rapidly dissolving paper to 2-ply soft on your rear end stuff. The CEO must have received my letters.

   SCUBA: Shark Comes Up Bites Ass

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "I'm taking it all with me b*tches." - Sting

   The Pope excommunicates Italian Mafia: I wonder who the next pope is gonna be...