Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can now buy booze at Starbucks. So apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off.

   I now nominate all of you for the ALS ice pick to the head challenge.

   Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.

   While the folks in Ferguson are busy protesting, Mexicans are taking their jobs...

   From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

   I walked a mile their shoes and I didn't end up carrying a flat screen 50" TV out of a closed store in Ferguson.

   Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.

   Ice Bucket Challenge = Monkey see Monkey Do

   Not now, Life. I have fake people to impress on the Internet.

   I would rather massage my urethra with a cactus than hear that Pharrell song about being Happy

   You're really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women

   When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.

   I feel so old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90s

   I only kissed you for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said "strip down facing me," she was referring to my credit card.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out of Gary.

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom: Man rule # 1 - If there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1, don't come park it at urinal #2! Your man card is suspended

   Crocs have holes in em so your dignity can escape.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree, but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car

   That moment when you do or say something cool and then spend the rest of the day replaying the moment over in your head