Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I bothknow I don't make enough money to have a drugproblem

   "Dammit I'm Mad" is spelled the same way backwards..

   TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"

   What do women and an ambulance have in common? They make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

   World Cup Soccer reminds me of poor mans hockey

   Kermit the frog puppets sales are up......but that's none of my business tho!

   Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all equally valid, but one thing breaks the tie in favor of Christianity: grilled cheese with bacon.

   Tip on getting a raise at work: Every day eat a cup-a-noodle soup for lunch and make sure to mention how you need to save half, because you know you will be hungry tomorrow.

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.

   You know my name, not my story. You’ve heard what I’ve done, not what I’ve been through. If you were in my shoes, you’d fall the first step.

   My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   Heard Suarez got a cold shoulder from his teammates last night

   Aaa the economy. The only people doing good is some black guy, his wife, two daughters.. and they live in a big white house they don't belong in. . .

   K-Mart is noting the 5 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death by having children's clothing half off.

   They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their mind

   A group of babies is called i'm leaving

   "Doc, you gotta help me I'm under so much stress. I keep losing my temper." "Tell me about your problem." "I just did, you f*¢king moron!"