Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   they found the body of the guy who stole all the celebrity's nude photos. Apparently he has been high fived to death.

   If you think your life is bad, just remember that Stevie Wonder will never ever see Jennifer Lawrence's leaked nudes.

   The guy who leaked the Jennifer Lawrence pictures may be the first man to ever die of too many hi fives

   Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

   What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

   Dear radio and TV stations. There's a 100% likelihood I'm changing the station the second I hear a car commercial.

   Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

   If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

   If you really want to get under someone's skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.

   I'm just here for the relationship advice from single people.

   A women's clothes tell you a lot about her mood. If they are on your bedroom floor, she's horny.

   "Kicking butt and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.

   it just me or has Aunt Jemima lost weight

   Kids, if you "can't afford tuition" because the payment on your new car is so much, you're doing it wrong...

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes" ?

   If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners

   Come on ‪#‎Chevy‬ just one commercial break without Kid Rock

   If you think your job stinks, think about the kid that cleans the bathroom at Taco Bell