Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So what if Lesean McCoy tipped a waitress 20 cent. He gives defenses 4 quarters every game.

   If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you Cnt even change Channel of Tv

   Great British Bake-Off tonight. In honour of the iPhone launch last night, they too will be trying to improve the Apple Turnover.

   If I was a reporter in Syria, I'd beheading home right now.

   If the clitoris really wanted to be found it wouldn't hide inside a hood.

   Government responses: Ferguson: lets hope for the best ISIS: we'll def look into it Nude Pics Leak: THE FBI WILL BRING DOWN THESE TERRORISTS

   If you mess with me i'll be on you like Rice on wife.

   Roger Goodell said he didn’t see the video from the elevator, just the one of Ray Rice dragging his unconscious fiancée. Did he think she just knocked herself out???

   My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.

   My favorite yoga move is the one where I nap under my desk until it's time to leave.

   If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

   I was going to let you in front of me, but then I saw your Obama bumper & decided I didn't need a stupid driver in front of me this morning.

   wonders if I have ever eaten an egg that came from a chicken I ate

   Light beer is like my Uncle James. He sucks too...

   To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

   Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

   I don’t like morning people or mornings or people

   Was scrolling through the guide for Direct TV and came across a program called "Hot Tub Fun". It was an infomercial to sell hot tubs......very disappointed...

   This iPhone 6+ is how many inches? my pants only has room for one thing with more than six inches. (ladies, the queue starts here)