Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was at the vet's office with Sammy, heard a lady in the waiting room sneezing, she then tells the receptionist that she thinks there was a cat in here. I saw the lights dim a little.

   Soooo, how long are we all just gonna sit here and act like the russians don't have all our passwords?

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise!!

   Below yeah you, Huckleberry Fin do you realize it's a meme?

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   and they seized the biggest land they ever seized illegally. Yet idiotz complain why are the rockets sheling.

   With the NFL starting this week, as a Redskins fan I have this feeling of impending doom.

   Don't take nude pics. Problem solved.

   Changed my iCloud password to, "1234". Now we wait...

   No LinkedIn, I do not want to congratulate Gilbert on his new job.

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   Praying that Jennifer Lawrence's hacker did not find my secret selfies...

   The strike must be over...the past few days have produced many laughs. Welcome back and thank goodness!

   Today's IDGAF award goes to the guy who named the fireplace.

   Bad news guys with big d*cks. She'll just find something else to b*tch about...

   To my stalker, while you're in my neighborhood, can you deliver me a pizza. . .

   I let my 4 yr old watch Ghostbusters last week & now she has nightmares. What part of "I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts" did she not understand?!

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.