Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.

   Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

   Obama has added a new amendment to our constitution by exec order: No taxation without representation...unless said representation doesn't pass every law Obama wants passed.

   Dear air conditioning: I don't think I've ever truly expressed how grateful I am for you. Now please keep cranking out that cold air.......

   You cannot suck your own lollipop............. man if I could I would never leave home!

   There was shootings and stabbings surround the BET Awards? You dont say. In other news, meteorologist suggest it "may be hott" today in the Safari Desert.

   Have you tried being more dramatic? Maybe that will work.

   How much for the death sentence? Sir, this is a marriage license.

   Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again and throwing yourself down a flight of stairs in a furious tear-filled rage?

   There are 2 types of people I don't like: 1) Those who complain constantly and blame others for all that's wrong with their life, and 2) Everyone else...

   If a soccer player falls in the forest & no one is around, do they still writhe around displaying Oscar worthy performances of pain and grimacing on the ground acting like their shin or their knee exploded? like watching JFK get shot

   I am all for self-belief, self-worth, self-esteem but a woman declaring herself hot and complementing herself on her own beauty smacks of serious desperation, delusion and self-conceit.

   So many people speak for God like there are his personal couriers sent to deliver his message promising all sorts of goodies he has in store us.

   maybe talk to ya when ya get yer balls sewn back on...thats if she lets ya have em back from out of her hand bag

   Im a little over the religious rants here...Adam and Eve had 2 sons...how did the world populate....seems like a scam to me!!

   FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, "nine meals."

   Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

   Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.

   if you have already read the books please don't spoil the ending of the world cup

   *crawls into bed* dad, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here? *dad sighs* "Son youre 30 and we live 4 states away. How did you even get here?"