Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Josh Shaw now claiming he broke his ankles keeping looters out of his grandmother's Bakery in Ferguson...

   I'm gathering game request to throw back at you!

   Just got three "BREAKING NEWS" notifications on my phone that two celebrities got married. This is why the rest of the world hates America.

   The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.

   I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.

   Yes we are facebook friends but I did not see your post because I unfollowed your boring ass. Thanks Facebook for the UNFOLLOW button.

   Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

   Over the weekend in California — a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.

   In The News: Ferguson protest moves to St. Louis....... Why?, Because there's nothing left to steal in Ferguson!

   I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.

   I nominate Stephen Hawkings for the ice bucket challenge.

   When all else fails, go nude.

   Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

   I have to be careful. I have an image to protect. You know, the one where I appear to be listening to what you say.

   When someone you hate gets shot: Omg is the bullet ok?

   Why is it that when you finally make something idiot-proof along comes a better idiot?

   I just passed the local college andsaw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college in all of my life.

   Bigger isn't always better. Thighs, for example.

   I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?