Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale of 1 to "Why the hell are you looking at my phone while i'm texting?", how paranoid are you?

   Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember someone has to clean the bathroom at TacoBell

   it still considered premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?

   Hoax 1. humorous or malicious deception. 2. something intended to deceive or defraud. (Some of you really needed to learn this.)

   ever wonder if someone trusts you? grab the hammer & say "hold the nail"

   it still consensual if she agrees not to call the cops?

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.

   Sorry, I only date crazy girls. If there's not a 50/50 chance I'll have to file a restraining order at some point plz don't waste my time.

   There's nothing that a well-planned homicide can't fix.

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   when Catholics do that ‘head, shoulder, knees and toes’ thing then fool everyone they’ve prayed.

   Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on facebook maybe they wouldn't get heartbroken so often.

   Photo bombing is all fun and games until terrorists start doing it.

   Went for a jog today and heard clapping from behind, then realized it was the cheeks of my ass cheering me on!!!

   Finally, we can stop talking about soccer for another 4 years.

   The World Cup is finally over. Now can we get back to watching fat men in ridiculous padding running around randomly?

   Don't cry for me Argentina

   One sneaky missle attack on copa cabana beach now and the Falklands is maintenance free forever