Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash.

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   I want to be buried with a Brontosaurus bone, so this way people will think that Dino (Flintstones) buried me...

   Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!

   I picked up my new iPhone today.......nah, just kidding......my droid had that technology two years ago

   England invaded us Scottish all those years ago and all you got was Michelle McManus, Men wearing skirts, fried mars bars and Asians with Scottish accent. However, we got Michelle Keegan, kelly brook, & warmer weather. Sounds like a good deal to me...

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   I wonder how many of the people who don't like that anti religion staus really go to church every Sunday and give atleast 10% of there income to the church. I bet not many

   I once dated someone who told me she was "bi". Every time I mentioned sex, she said "Bye!"

   An app that tells you how much battery is left in your relationship.

   Marry someone funny. I'm serious.

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.

   So Scotland had a little case of premature emancipation. It's ok. It happens. Doesn't make you any less of a country

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have the less $h!t you have to eat.

   Girlfriend said "Do you want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?" & I said "Do you want to have a different boyfriend that isn't me"

   Hey kids, see that new sports car over there? Well your old man got a promotion today & got some new glasses so I also see the car. nice car

   I have never seen a funnier headline than "Apple Releases Instructions for Deleting U2 Album It Provided for Free"

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.