Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of my favorite sounds on earth is listening to my child sing while he gets ready for school. Something about anyone being that happy this early in the morning just moves me... not in the literal sense but it's touching...

   Whenever I watch TV and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

   I feel MUCH better today. I hate it when I get 24-hour Ebola!

   According to my nipples, summer is over

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!

   When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

   Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

   I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is

   Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

   If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   I'd have more money if I didn't buy that $20 shirt back in 2009

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   For best results use like way more than directed by your physician.

   [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"

   R kelly is doing a tour in Pakistan … I guess they’re going to finally have piss in the Middle East

   saw my ex with her new boyfriend today, he has arms and legs just like I do, she seriously needs to move on. jeeez. he even has eyes.

   The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.