Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   Malaysian Airlines tickets will be half price from now on because that is as far as you are going to get.

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   Tell a woman she looks great 10,000 times, she never remembers, but call her fat just once and she'll never forget it. AmIright? AmIright?

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Saw my ex for the first time since we broke up at a diner last night. She was with another guy. So I ordered a sandwich, took a few bites, went up to their table, handed her date my leftovers and walked away.

   If you hold a beer glass to your ear, you hear joy.

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   I can't wait until I'm old enough to get my own zombie .......a lot of people at the retirement home have walkers

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   Swimming in the pool counts as a shower, right?!?

   When I die, donate my teeth to the Walmart Cashiers.

   You can workout and brag about your muscles all you want but it still isn't going to make you any taller.

   if you get enough maylasian airline frequent flyer miles you can trade them in for a tombstone

   The day the progressive lady makes out with the Wendy's girl is the day I become a loyal customer to both.

   "Her blue eyed Summer time smile Looks so good that it hurts Makes you wanna build A 10 percent down White picket fence house on this dirt." FGL

   For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....

   "I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.

   my wife turned on some p0rn and said, "I want to show you what I like" then it got awkward I don't have a huge black d*ck.