Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   iOS 8.0.1 is designed to get people to stop calling their friends to brag about owning the new iPhone.

   The Status here are dying. We need new blood.

   My therapist is a beer

   I'd get a life, but it might get in the way of me reaching my potential on the internet.

   While eliminating ISIS, there is another group of terrorists that has been terrorising Americans for years that needs to be taken care of for good. The Kardashians.

   This new bidet is disturbingly accurate...how did they know the location of the target?

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   A plunger, but for feelings.

   Making bad decisions can be your thing too It's not limited to idiots only

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.

   I just yawned and my last girlfriends soul flew out.

   I am sorry I had feelings. I'll replace them with jokes right away.

   Shawshank my way out of here!

   it me? Or do these new iPhone 6 issues have a lot of people bent out of shape?

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become beer but didn’t.

   I'm in no position to cast the first stone, but I'll be happy to cast the next five or six.

   Dear Grandma: I am writing this slowly because I know you cannot read fast.

   I'm not the sort of person you want to put on speakerphone.

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

   Well played fat girl in a hot car, well played...