Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, a fat less attractive girl is.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   We Canadians are known for being polite. We're not. We just assume every American has a gun and will shoot us. That's why we're nice.

   Turned up at the golf and everyone is wearing apple bottom jeans, and boots with the fur. I'm at the Flo Ryder Cup by mistake.

   KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BOOED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK - my week keeps getting better.

   Chelsea Clinton gives birth to a daughter.......I hope Bill doesn't pass out any of his own cigars......

   For one to describe oneself as monosyllabic would be an oxymoron.

   If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   *Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   Rickie Fowler has had USA shaved into his head in preparation for The Ryder Cup. Rory MciLroy has won 2 majors as part of his preparations

   This just in: iOS 8.0.2 comes with a new toggle switch to straighten out your bent iPhone 6 Plus.

   I got to stop following these instagrame models. My girlfriends punches are starting to leave bruises.

   Act your age, act your wage. - Nicholas Cage

   BREAKING NEWS: Reports seem to be premature that Barack Obama's nomination to replace Eric Holder will be Flavor Flav.