Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   During sex..it's perfectly fine to say yeah....yes....or oh yes over and over, but if you wanna mess with your partner..holler out YEP over and over

   They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. so ladies, be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.

   Do any of y'all find it sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game....while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs...or is it just me?

   Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

   WAIT !!!.. So if I call the CDC, and tell them I have Ebola,,, they'll clean my house.??.... Seriously?.. Hmmmmm.

   How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   Buy 3 items and get a 9 foot long receipt. That’s the CVS promise.

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight or if it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on and he didn't want to be late to the party.

   [Status omitted by the US Secretary of Defense]

   I got to hand it to short people... sometimes they just can't reach it.

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”

   When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.

   Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”