lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   What is it with Facebook games like Mafia and Farmville. I guess people need to balance their murder and violence with beets and little lost sheep.

   How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   ..is making it look she has an IPad by drawing out the internet on her Etch-a-Sketch.

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!

   You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.

   If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.

   Yo momma's so fat that when she was cremated,all the flights in Europe got cancelled.

   What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic volcano? The volcano's still blowing ash.

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.

   Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

   Remember, the next time Iceland says "pull my finger" ignore it

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.

   I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

   Why was the blonde angry when she got her driver's license? Because she couldn't believe she had an F in sex.

   A braille porn magazine has been launched ths week - complete with explicit raised text and pictures. At least this is one time where looking at porn won't make you go blind.