SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   Your magnetic bracelet is causing me to have negative thoughts about you.

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   Couldn't eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

   I just hope Tyler Perry names his 1st son 'Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry, Jr.'

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

   All's well that ends well. So, nothing's well.

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom.

   I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

   I wanted to make a girl experience multiple climaxes, so I made her watch the last half hour of 'Star Wars Episode III.'

   If we take away those long rods gas stations use to change their signs, gas prices will never go up again. YOU'RE WELCOME.

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.

   Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.