Huck Funny Status Messages

   If I were a medical examiner, halfway through every autopsy, I would say "Yep, he's definitely dead." Just to lighten the mood.

   You know what makes me smile? My face muscles.

   I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.

   I would love to be a fly on the wall at this restaurant because it looks like the flies are having some kind of party on the wall!

   Please support our non-profit organization for terminally I'll witnesses and informers, Snitches Get Wishes.

   Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.

   "When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."

   I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

   I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco.

   What if Gangnam Style is actually a rain dance and we've brought the frankenstorm down upon ourselves?

   People who live in glass houses must really hate birds.

   My ideal job is probably just singing the "Not this time" part in that En Vogue song "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)".

   I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.

   After you kill somebody with kindness, is there a way to "discreetly dispose of the body with kindness"?

   My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.