CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

   You're either part of the solution or part of this meeting!

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   “You guys are jerks for eating those living things. You should eat these living things instead.” - Vegetarians

   On a scale of 1 to Facebook how much of a whiney b*tch are you?

   The Police will come right away when you tell them your baby is locked in the car. They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby.

   If "Bieber fever" is when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself in he ear, then yes I have had Bieber fever before.

   I used to think Adam Sandler is funny, but then I turned 10.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   Can God start making Vegetarians green in color so they don’t have to keep telling everyone they eat plants.

   In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

   It’s like Lil Wayne gets a tattoo for every whack song he releases.

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

   Advice for the ladies: Skip the boob tattoo. That cute little tiger you get will someday turn into a giraffe.

   Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

   "When I'm done sh*tting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through the window" - Birds

   When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.

   How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

   Haven't slept on my desk at work for the past two weeks, I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   "Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club