Baddie Funny Status Messages

   No honey, I love your constant input on my driving

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   How much for the torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

   Sorry I roasted marshmallows over your meltdown.

   What doesn't kill me makes my wife go back to the drawing board and try just a little harder the next time.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   Cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon.

   Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.

   I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.

   Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

   How much for the death sentence? Sir, this is a marriage license.

   Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.

   *crawls into bed* dad, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here? *dad sighs* "Son youre 30 and we live 4 states away. How did you even get here?"

   i just worked out. well, I just did push ups. well, 1 push up. well, I tripped and got back up. well, I'm actually still laying here. *takes a nap*

   "this hurts me more more than it hurts you." I say as I burn my own hand with a lighter in front of my son, unsure what the lesson is.

   can someone please tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.