Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crocs have holes in em so your dignity can escape.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree, but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car

   That moment when you do or say something cool and then spend the rest of the day replaying the moment over in your head

   Titanic be like: I nominate all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenege

   @nbcagt: "I once got trapped on an escalator when the power went out and I was scared for my life!"

   A family reunion with NO alcholol? What is the point?

   The news always showing pictures of these thugs when they were little kids is like a girl who has a profile picture when she was a hundred pounds lighter.

   A gaggle of geese... A murder of crows... A nope of laundry.

   I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge. Sincerely, The Titanic

   Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!!!

   My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don't know yet though she's still in bed

   Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.

   When the Redskins change their name it is my hope the cowboys from Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas make sure Jerry Jones changes the name of his team so Cowboys won't be portrayed as PUSSIES.

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good lu

   You had me at "Do Not Resuscitate"

   Poor planning on your part does not make it is an emergency on my part.

   Coming to Facebook for religion is like visiting a strip club to find a woman to marry. Wrong place.

   I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same

   If there's no chance it can give me a heart attack then I'm not interested in eating it.

   Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.