Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't judge you by you looks? Kinda hard when you have 50 tattoos, 30 pierceings, a stupid haircut, and a shirt that says you hate me.

   Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times....

   Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

   A man was arrested in England for robbing a store not with a gun; but holding a picture of a gun. God it takes courage to be that stupid.

   I wonder if Dr. Huxtable wrote his own prescriptions for roofies?

   If you're out of high school and making min wage, you're doing it wrong.

   Show me on this Fat Albert doll exactly where Bill Cosby touched you

   “You wore that before” yea because it’s my shirt and I have a washing machine!

   What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

   These days HD is so good, when you watch an NFL game you can see the murder evidence.

   I’d rather wear Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear as a ski mask than turn Facebook chat on.

   If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.

   I can't decide if I should lay off the booze or just lay in it.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There is no way in hell a guy with a ponytail would own a house that nice.

   I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.

   Since it's throwback Thursday, Ima throwback some booze!

   They said to dress for the job I want; not the one I have. So now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume.

   See, it's not only Canada that gets snow. Got that Florida, Texas, California........

   Report: Buffalo is running out of beer...guys we are basically district 12 from the hunger games...the end is ne

   I took my sister to a NASCAR rase and all I got was this lousy son/nephew.