Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   My wife just nominated me for the "would it kill you to refill the ice trays every once in a while" challenge?

   Only if humans respected each other's private space as much as wild animals do.

   Not to brag but, my beer would never wanna "Take a break" or "See other people" or ask to "Go through my phone"

   Can’t believe how dangerous the streets are becoming. Just this afternoon I stole an old ladys handbag and punched someone at a bus stop.

   We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   I don't wanna be lonely. I just wanna be alone.

   I don't think marrying your best friend is such a good idea. Specially cause you're human and he's a dog.

   THIS JUST IN... Isis has announced they will start targeting Golf courses... and Obama has decided to take up shuffleboard.

   people confuse bad luck and bad decisions way too often

   Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.

   There was an explosion in the Men's room where I work. I'm fine but they will have to replace the toilet I was sitting on.

   Million $ idea: Website called "dodgedabullet.com" with pics of former hot girls that blew up when you saw them at a reunion.

   there an "Kentuky chicken bucket challenge" for funds against morbid obesity? If so, I'm in!!!!

   I don't think it's about religion anymore. Some people are just sadists, hiding behind the masks of religion.

   People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"

   Wish this guy on the bus would take a Smellfie! Smellfie: Quickly taking a whiff of your own pits to see if you stink: