Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do pandas give crushing hugs? Because I think that would be a cute and emotionally satisfying way to die.

   Did you ever notice some people with the lowest moral compass and zero integrity suddenly become 'karma experts' when things don't go their way?

   To Michael Brown's family: I hope you find closure. To Darren Wilson: I hope you find peace. To the rioters: I hope you find jobs.

   If we have learned anything over the the last couple years it is that if you attack a person with a gun, you may get shot and killed.

   Holy moly, 4 more days until I'm a married man. It seems like just yesterday I was puking on the first day of kindergarten class.

   most unromantic thing said ,to start off the holiday season..."so- what's the E.T.A on that blowjob?

   So the logical response to a perceived injustice in my town is to steal everything I can, then burn it down? Why didn't I think of that after my last parking ticket?

   Give me some of the major taboo examples among gullible women about themselves.

   I'm really getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today.

   I really like Bill Cosby, but only for his stand up comedy and role as Dr. Huxtible... not for what he did to me in a hotel room.

   Word of the Day: Eskihoe - A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time.

   I fought the law...And the Law won - Mike Brown

   University of Kentucky 2012 Win, Philadelphia Philies World Series Win, Seattle’s Superball Win, when whites went buck wild for the most arbitrary and utterly unjustifiable reasons on earth.

   Thinking of Black Friday shopping in Ferguson this year. Heard you can grab some really good deals.

   Dear people jogging with that stupid smile on your face. I know what route you take and I will jump out of bushes and scare that smile away

   “It's not up for discussion,” is a thing I say to my wife when I’m absolutely certain I want to spend the next six hours discussing it...

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   I can't help but wonder if Bill Cosby's roofies tasted llike a Puddin' Pops.

   By 2050, four out of every five Americans will be a Duggar...

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret...