Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As an Atheist, When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   Love your neighbor, but don't get caught...

   I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...

   UK - We call it Autumn, from the French word "autompne" and later, the Latin "autumnus" USA - WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN

   People these days will do and say anything to divert attention from their own pathetic lives.

   I met my GF online, in the grocery store. I was checking her out!

   Ferguson is going to kick off their black Friday shopping events with the Darren Wilson verdict.

   Did you ever notice that Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he came out of the shower?

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.

   to the one asking us to learn the effing language, we are bilingual, how about you? jealous perhaps?? :D

   Don't judge you by you looks? Kinda hard when you have 50 tattoos, 30 pierceings, a stupid haircut, and a shirt that says you hate me.

   Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times....

   Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

   A man was arrested in England for robbing a store not with a gun; but holding a picture of a gun. God it takes courage to be that stupid.

   I wonder if Dr. Huxtable wrote his own prescriptions for roofies?

   If you're out of high school and making min wage, you're doing it wrong.

   Show me on this Fat Albert doll exactly where Bill Cosby touched you