Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's 16 decorative pillows on her bed and anger in her heart.

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   I'm not a stalker, I'm just a self-appointed and unpaid private investigator.

   Midgets that go missing get their faces put on the backs of condensed milk.

   Pay attention kids. I'm about to prove nothing good ever comes from getting out of bed.

   Today's yoga position is called "the underpaid employee"... It involves bending over and kissing ass at the same time.

   If a person dooesn't have "bingo wings" how can you sleep with them during night. Bare bones!

   Pro life tip:I've found the best way to avoid my life ending from a police officer is to not break the law.If I do break the law, then I comply with their authority.If I do not agree with their authority I surrender and allow due process with an attorney.

   What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.

   Kids Say The Darndest Things: Such as "This Puddin' Pop tastes like roofies"

   " Fcuk the Police" ............ Please encourage this!! With the shift work we do protecting your sorry ass it's sometimes hard to meet women. So please encourage your sister and mother to continue your cause!!

   I've found the best way to avoid being shot by a policeman is to not break the law.

   I'm sorry I pushed you away... things were just going too well for my liking.

   I don't have children; I have hecklers.

   A chatterbox is just a regular box that won't shut the fcuk up.

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.

   If you look in the mirror in the morning and see cellulite,crows feet,saggy boobs and bingo wings.. Don't worry at least we know our eyesight is ok

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"