Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."

   Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?

   *pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book

   "I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat

   Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.

   In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

   "Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   I just don't know about all this "elf on shelf" crap. Long before it was popular I was "elf on a milf?, Someone stole my idea.

   Toy dinosaurs are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. Oil comes from million-year-old dinosaur remains. So toy dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs.

   All of these couples in the Hallmark Christmas movies that fall in love in a couple of days should have sequels on the Crime Network by Halloween when one of them murders the other one.

   If there are any elves on my shelves I hope they are dusting.

   haven't been this hungover since yesterday

   Happy 12/13/14.

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   When she pulls away, pull her closer. Women are just complicated like that.

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...