Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish Twitter would stop recommending that I follow "One Direction." Do they think I wear capri pants or something?

   The question no one is asking: What did Janay do to piss him off?

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes... maybe these 20 cats really aren't my friends after all :(

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.

   So you are changing your iPhone 5 with iPhone 6 just for an inch? Hope your girlfriend won't do the same.

   I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.

   Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns and says to the other "Dam"

   Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.

   If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.

   I scream. You scream. Others begin to scream frightened by our screaming. Panic ensues. Riots breakout... next time just ask for ice cream.

   Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.

   NFL players are getting kind of soft. I've seen harder hits in an elevator

   Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

   Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"

   I had walked a mile in your shoes before I realized that we don't wear the same size.

   After a while you just get used to people not understanding.

   new rule....everyone given a "life sentence" by a judge has to start racing NASCAR.....one of them will die fast

   went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn't find any

   Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen

   * Noah loading ark,,, "cows? check,,, goats? check",,, *llama walks up,,, " I already have llamas."... "Umm, I'm an Alpaca?".... "O.K.,, Wahatever"