Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1743 of 6385
I just yawned and my last girlfriends soul flew out.
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09-24-2014 08:08 by Baddie
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I am sorry I had feelings. I'll replace them with jokes right away.
Shawshank my way out of here!
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09-24-2014 06:44
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it me? Or do these new iPhone 6 issues have a lot of people bent out of shape?
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become beer but didn’t.
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09-24-2014 04:22
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I'm in no position to cast the first stone, but I'll be happy to cast the next five or six.
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09-23-2014 13:34
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Dear Grandma: I am writing this slowly because I know you cannot read fast.
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09-23-2014 13:33
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I'm not the sort of person you want to put on speakerphone.
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09-23-2014 12:10
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Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!
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09-23-2014 10:58 by Daheavy1
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Well played fat girl in a hot car, well played...
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09-23-2014 09:46
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Pay no attention to circling vultures, they're with me.
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09-23-2014 09:12
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Most my coworkers just don't know how stupid they are.... so I let them know
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09-23-2014 09:11
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if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day
I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless
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09-23-2014 05:30 by Huck
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The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.
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09-23-2014 05:27 by Huck
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No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
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09-23-2014 05:25 by flinnie
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Did you hear about the girl who had TWO chances to get pregnant, and she blew them both?
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09-23-2014 03:51
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I'm gonna complain to Domino's! They said I'd have my pizza before I could say 'Piping hot!'. I've said it 867 times since then and it's STILL not here!
Bruce and Kris Jenner officially file for divorce today. Or as most see it, the next step in Bruce's sex change. He is probably already wearing capri pants by now.
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09-22-2014 21:43 by indy dave
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