Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   Just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does needing therapy after seeing me make you feel?"

   Relationship Status: Intercepting blown kisses.

   90% of socializing is wondering what to do with your hands when out in public.

   Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That's really not necessary

   Horoscope: Yes she got all your texts.

   One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.

   Please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito. Dammit the trainee is making my burrito.

   "But why?" - Me at weddings

   But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.

   [breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now

   [During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

   If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it's technically a cat

   "Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."

   Debt doesn't buy happiness either.

   Someone called me lazy today I almost objected.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   Everybody needs a playground...

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.

   How do women think without a pen*s?