Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits

   cops, just another branch of the American of skin head society

   Stop texting me. If I wanted to see you again I would not have stolen the Honey Baked ham from your fridge

   Found a Jelly Belly in my winter coat from last year. I ate it.

   The amount of money you'd need to donate to ALS for me to do the Ice bucket challenge this time of year would cure ALS.

   I'm Amish but, I consider myself extreme Amish because I use electric.

   I am so ready for Chrismas. To be over.

   I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.

   Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don't seem to matter as much.

   Hey people tin high-crime neighborhoods; How's that "Snitches get stitches" mantra working for you?

   If you can say "I can't breathe", then technically, you can breathe. Cops know not to fall for that trick.

   Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.

   Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

   Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.

   I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I'm above average at something!!

   Instead of protesting the deaths of thugs, why don't you teach your children how to avoid being one in the first place?

   Pro life tip: I've found the best way to avoid my life ending from a police officer is to continue being white.

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?