Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

   Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.

   I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I'm above average at something!!

   Instead of protesting the deaths of thugs, why don't you teach your children how to avoid being one in the first place?

   Pro life tip: I've found the best way to avoid my life ending from a police officer is to continue being white.

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?

   If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?

   When I get to heaven, the first question I'm asking God is why does my butt have more hair than my head??

   Decided I wanted solid abs this year for Christmas. Bought all solid milk chocolate Santas instead of hollow ones.

   I am going to enter the Walmart parking lot with my shotgun and shoot all the cars with the stupid friggin antlers on em!!

   I have developed awkward into a powerful weapon for shutting down conversation.

   Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don't know what to do

   If only you people got as passionate about other attrocities like rape, famine and corruption in world leaders as you do about one person's death. #First-worldPriorities

   You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Now that I've maxed out my 401k for the year, I'll get a tattoo, said no one ever.

   I initially thought this codeine cough syrup was disgusting, but after the second stack of pancakes, it's not so bad.

   at the point where i'm confused about which one of the american black guys being killed by police you're talking about.

   There's 16 decorative pillows on her bed and crazy in her head.