Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone

   There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.

   I don't know if I need to close one eye and fart, or sh-t and go blind

   Nike is starting to bug me. I've seen the video's of how hard the kids in the sweat shop work. So why does it take ten days to get my shirts in the mail.

   Just looking at the snow angels I made. I'm definitely going to the gym tomorrow!

   McDonalds has new bags to hide the fact you are eating Mcdonalds? Your fat a$$ already gave it away.

   I don't think my newborn son appreciates napping and sucking tittie as much as I do.

   If you dont understand big words, I can euthanize with you.

   You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.

   It's just a rough patch. ~ my entire life apparently

   You know you've grown up when a nap is no longer a punishment, but a reward.

   Love doesn't cost a thing but it can leave you bankrupt.

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.

   Not sure if I am getting older or if kids today are just getting retarded?....

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.

   You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....

   Well, it's 2015. Where's my robot girlfriend, nerds??