Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Oscar Pistorius got 5 years. I knew he didn't have a leg to stand on.

   Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again

   Don't mix V iagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.

   Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.

   In Finland when a baby is born you just throw a bunch of magnetic letters at the fridge and that's its name.

   Not sure of what I fear more, getting the stomach flu, or watching another mud smearing political commercial. Funny how both those things involve nausea and vomiting.

   Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a Pterodactyl on the coffee table.

   Guy and Girl in a Cars backseat and she says "Kiss me where it smells".....so he drove her to Newark,

   In order to make change in your life you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired

   I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.

   Ariana Grande is just a fancy way to order a medium ariana.

   They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?

   If you watch a V iagra commercial on mute it looks like a really risky drug that helps you cuddle better.

   Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.

   Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.

   I'm an accident looking for a place to happen!

   Whenever I go to a stripclub I piont at the most slutttiest girl and say, "Hey I know you.... I use to go to church with you!"

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   I sprinkled googly eyes into the dog's food,, and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.