Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood

   "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel

   "I don't see color." - A person who shouldn't eat snow

   Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.

   SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.

   "You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

   "Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut

   I wish I had half the optimism of couples that get each other’s name tattooed on their bodies.

   I miss the old days when everyone had the same RING tone.

   for once I'd like to see "Its been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"

   My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: 'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow!" she said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I f*cking hope so.

   News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death" Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?

   The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   Now that Christmas shopping and madness is over, I'm expecting applications for potential girlfriends...

   it required for you to have your own TV show if you live in Alaska?