Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   You had me at gunpoint.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   If you have no love to be thankful for, at least be thankful for all those bullets you dodged.

   Shots fired in Canada? How is that possible? Guns are illegal there.

   Do not bother me with stupid $h!t. What is stupid $h!t? It is anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   Super creepy Rob Lowe and I are going to kick Rob Lowes ass

   Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account...

   A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

   I'm so looking forward to Halloween! Wonder if I'll see any costumes as scary as Renee Zellweger's new face...

   As of today, Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them...

   One, two Freddys coming for you. Three, four better lock your door. Five, six grab your crucifix. Seven, eight gonna stay up late. Nine, ten, never sleep again...

   spoon + fork = spork whisk + knife = wife ....they can stir things up & kill you

   I've finally tried Turkish Delight...it was good, but not "betray my family to the White Witch" good....

   My daughter has just taken two black guys up to her bedroom to study together. From the sounds of it they're getting every revision question right.

   I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

   You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

   Why can't the ice cream man just get a fu*kin liquor license already

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   Remember guys, if your wife or girlfriend gives great head...she learned it somewhere.