Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011
←Rate | 12-27-2014 17:57 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon Taken 27 coming to theaters in January 2029.
←Rate | 12-27-2014 17:57 by indy dave Comments (0)  


   messageicon The average person has sex 89 times a year. Who needs help being better than just average?
←Rate | 12-27-2014 13:03 by Jeffafa Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying out a new diet. It's called "hungry as fcuk all the time."
←Rate | 12-27-2014 11:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
←Rate | 12-27-2014 09:53 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon 5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
←Rate | 12-27-2014 09:00 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Have you ever noticed that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it?
←Rate | 12-27-2014 08:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You like flowers, we DON'T! We are happy to buy it for you. Don't make us like flowers.
←Rate | 12-27-2014 08:31 by ballzheimers Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please accept that there are inherent differences b/w M & W. Otherwise we would just be called MEN! OR JUST WOMEN. You are better at somethings & we r better at other things. Accept nature & let it be
←Rate | 12-27-2014 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Feminist alright: but excluding opening doors, paying the bill, fight a bully, move furniture, ladies first. If those things aren't done prepare for "oh chivalry is dead & wow, such an Ae-hol!" continued.
←Rate | 12-27-2014 08:24 by Ballzheirmer Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just tried to check my Farmville for the first time in 2 years, apparently I forgot to pay my taxes and the IRS owns it now.
←Rate | 12-27-2014 08:21 by styles Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: Jargon is lingo for slang
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Reading new book: Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:46 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:37 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:33 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:32 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:24 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon my anaconda wants what the heart can't have
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  




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