Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relax, I only plan on violating you virtually, you sexy beast.

   Burger King!.... because every place else is closed.

   How come the word Flatulance is not Fartulance?

   Dear Chocolate Covered Blueberries, Seriously where have you been all my life? I can see why your big sister Chocolate Covered Cherries has kept you secret all these years. Wow.

   What you call vocabulary, others may call jargon, gibberish, lingo or slang...but its all the same to me.

   ⚪️ single ⚪️ taken 🔘 stuck in 20 friend zones

   Social Media: When you can't stand being around human beings but also can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

   My dream job is to drive Karma's bus.

   So blunt you could smoke me.

   It's hard to compliment a fake person without lying.

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   Facebook has been around 11 years. Which means there has never been a post about the Raiders making the playoffs.

   A woman says she is on her period, gets 123 likes.. As a man, I do not understand this.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Because they're not. They're all looking at their phones.

   I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right and you're wrong.

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   I don't post pics of my girl and me on social media for a good reason. What if someone calls her ugly and I have to dump her?

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the nearest bartender to get a beer.

   No. Annie is WHITE. You got it all wrong.

   Apprently Screech will stab you to make you screech if you call him "Screech" in a saloon. Now I'm wondering how many Screech fans are in prison who would like to make Screech screech.