Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.

   I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense

   he instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

   Pro tip: when you're watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don't suggest potential additional wives.

   RIP Mrs Kotter

   It's funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my evenings in the front yard treating it with weed killer.

   So..... Monica Lewinsky is now selling herself as a crusader for media abuse and ruined reputations.... Good for her because.... well..... ummm.... she blew her chance at a political career....

   The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

   Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding there's no pizza.

   Oh you think you have it bad? In my day you didn't see the other persons genitals until after you actually met them.

   Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.

   Life Observation: No matter where I live, my neighborhood has NEVER been even remotely the first stop on the mailman's post route.

   i wish fake was a color so I could paint you properly...

   Here's a tip for you travellers, when Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me comes on your ipod in the airport, DON'T sing along. I spent 12 hours explaining that I was just singing the lyrics "Love me like a bomb, b...b...b..bomb"

   Jehovah's Witnesses should preach on Halloween night, people might actually answer the door.

   There goes Honey Boo Boo. America's collective IQ just rose by .00124%.