Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

   You know how much delusion we live in this world when you see Binyamin Netanyahu shoulder to shoulder with world leaders in a march for "freedom and tolerance"

   I can't tell you how disappointed I was to find out the movie Selma wasn't about Selma Hayek.

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do work and blame anyone but myself.

   What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease? Let's name our sandwich shop after it

   NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.

   I wonder what gets changed less frequently...the diaper of a crackhead's baby or the filter cartridge in my Brita.

   My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet

   What does JK Rowling text her friends to let them know that she was just kidding?

   I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator

   you deserve more than a guy who wears t-shirts with "witty" sayings that he bought from jcpenney.

   who needs people when you got pizza

   If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping

   Anyone know if there is an Angie's List or Better Business Bureau or someplace to file a complaint on a Hooker?.... (Asking for a Friend)...

   going to opt for GPS on our next dryer. Should help locate those missing socks.