Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you mean you don't know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

   People are always saying "live and learn" and I'm all like whoa, whoa, whoa...one thing at a time please.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   Woke up screaming Sunday morning. My apologies to everyone at church...

   Obama was so upset this morning from last night's election results, that he's only playing 9 holes of golf instead of 18!!!

   Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk.

   Now THAT's change I can believe in......

   Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...

   Nice hash-tag Dallas Cowboys, but I do agree, ‪#‎CowboySUK‬! errrr....CowboysUK I mean....

   “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”

   A shot of vodka a day keeps the sad away!

   Beautiful is the woman who sees you as a king not a ticket to a free meal.

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

   Being human is expensive and exhausting.

   Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse...

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."