Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The opposite of being happy is being sober.

   church is the weirdest place ever, they form a choir and then force everyone in the congregation to sing.

   you can tell if someone worships satan if they have their phone's keypad tone on.

   Everytime a congressman gets up to clap, he thanks the lord for baby powder.

   State of the union speech is on. Hang on to your wallets.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It was fried and eaten on MLK day.

   must be awkward for jesus to be the only white guy in the middle east

   is ❒Taken ❒Single ✔ awesome

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed private plane pilot. Please give me a call, my rates are as low as I can go by state laws. . .

   I can't keep doing this, but keeps doing this - WOMEN

   I like my women the same way I like my suits...Double-Breasted!

   Women who carry a little extra weight live long than the men who mention it

   Ladies be careful when a dude asks you to come over and 'chill' it can lead to chill-dren

   you must work for Malaysia air because you make all my worries disappear.

   Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...

   Repeating jokes to different crowds is part of part of the fun, sometimes it is beneficial to change them up slightly each time, making them stronger, funnier jokes. So find something better to do with your time. Or just keep being a D!<k.

   "Respect costs you nothing?!" Are you sure?!

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time." Restraining order is on the way.

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. fried chicken is 75% off.