Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   Don't worry too much about being alone on Valentine's Day. It's just one day out of the year. There's 364 other days no one loves you too.

   Can't wait to date myself on Valentine's Day

   People dropout of school and get a job at McDonald's talking bout "on my grind" yeah okay, GRIND me up a Oreo McFlurry with yo dumb ass

   California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

   I saw Tom Brady hanging around my car.... Sure enough, I got in, started the car and the low tire pressure light came on.

   I've met some pricks in my life, but you sir are a fcuking Cactus.

   Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?

   My favorite part about the Patriots cheating is it means they didn't have confidence in Brady's skill.

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   In 30 years, it will be 1/23/45. Carry On.

   If people are against war get Michael Moore to say something so outrageous they will support it again.

   Obama deflated the balls so the news would talk about it all freaking day and not focus on real issues.

   American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.

   KEEP YOUR CAP LOCKS ON JUST IN CASE A DEAF PERSON READS YOUR STATUS.

   BREAKING NEWS.....New England Patriots to start wearing an asterisk on their helmets....

   The friend-zone is the only place that has more deflated balls than a patriots game.

   Tom Brady's balls are under more scrutiny than Ray Rice's fist ever was.