Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.

   The only astronaut I can remember from the last 20 years was the one who drove cross country in a diaper because she was mad

   My safe word is letsgetmarried.

   I don't mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.

   My grandfather was a Marine who fought hand to hand combat with the Japanese at the battle of Guadalcanal and I sometimes drink lattes.

   Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?

   My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"

   Q:why are black folks mad at God A: you would be too if he put p*bic hair on top of your head.

   You look like the kind of girl that would take a selfie in my trunk.

   Stereotypes aside, I believe there is a female toughness that men do not have, or understand. It's whatever creates the courage to care.

   [job interview] *removes ear bud* yo, what's the wifi password up in here

   So Eli Manning and Peyton Manning walk into a bar...........To watch Tom Brady in the playoffs.

   Hell is empty and all the devils are here...

   nothing in life is free. Everything has a price. Every action has a consequence.

   I wish black folks would stop looking to the academy awards and other white based award shows for validation--i dont even watch that bullsh**. I'll take the NAACP Image Awards and other prestigious black awards that validate black talent anyday over the o

   Before you give me your survey results, just know that numbers don’t impress me much anymore when it comes to human beings. I now value quality over quantity when it comes to crowds considering the number of idiots who have infiltrated the human race.

   T rolls used to live under bridges, now they live in their mom's basement.

   Safe word? It's more likely that you will need a white flag

   Koran has been remixed more times than Madonna.