Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1707 of 6384
I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.
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11-09-2014 20:36 by snotty
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Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
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11-09-2014 18:29
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Maybe her drawn eyebrows are all she has left.
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11-09-2014 02:21
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Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?
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11-09-2014 01:30 by Czovczov
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Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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11-09-2014 01:29
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I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
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11-08-2014 19:20 by vjjasper
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A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
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11-08-2014 19:10
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I wish gyms had a "montage" option
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11-08-2014 16:12
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Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out.
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11-08-2014 15:11
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Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.
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11-08-2014 13:03 by SEAN
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I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.
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11-08-2014 08:21 by MWC
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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11-08-2014 05:52 by Baddie
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People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows
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11-08-2014 05:48
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Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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11-08-2014 05:48 by Baddie
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It’s so embarrassing when you say, "I love you, too," only to realize the person was waving to someone behind you.
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11-08-2014 05:43 by Baddie
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According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia should have me surpassing that doped up whack job Charlie Scheen in the winning department!
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11-08-2014 02:46 by John Y
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My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....
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11-07-2014 18:30 by Zuuuuuup
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Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.
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11-07-2014 17:26 by SEAN
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If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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11-07-2014 17:23 by SEAN
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My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....
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11-07-2014 17:22 by SEAN
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