Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, the Apple iPad turns five years old. So it's official. The iPad is as old as the people who make it.

   President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."

   BF slid his hand in my panties & thinks I'm instantly turned on but I don't have the heart to tell him I sneezed earlier & peed myself a bit

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   Accidentally heard the first 15 seconds of a Toby Keith song, now the back of my hair grew 3 inches and my sister looks hot as sh*t.

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year! ‪

   FYI 'I'm here so I won't get fined'

   You know that friend who says they'll be there for you even if it's 1 am. I am that person only because of insomnia. . .

   When are Levi's going away with "Shrink to Fit jeans" to my style..."Stretched to Fit"?

   Every time a crossfitter gets injured an Angel gets their wings

   My gf just told me that my pecker was two inches bigger that her ex's and that's why she will never go back to a lesbian relationship

   Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.

   My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I've failed to teach him our family's place in the psychiatric process...

   ATMs and automated gas pumps have been around for years but Wal Mart puts in self checkout lanes and people act like the world is ending...

   starting a chainsaw in the house is a great way to get the neighbors to quiet down. Also good for getting an unruly child's attention.

   So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.

   Kentucky pickup line- I'm just goin to follow you home anyway, so get in the truck.

   Some people are a lot funnier when they're on fire

   So much anxiety, so little weed!