Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

   You think the colts are going to win? You better Belichick yourself before you wreck yourself

   All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz and I'm fine.

   I have a dream that one day I won't have to work on MLK Day.

   Q: how do you know your house was robbed by a white guy? A: When everything is still there.

   Sticks and stones may hurt my bones but names will never hurt me....simple advice to Islamic extremist, but it's hard to reason will those that believe there's a bevy of virgins waiting for them upon death

   In the epic battle of good vs evil, politicians are double agents.

   If two Chocolate bars are stuck together it counts as one - so shut up please!

   "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

   That girl who sells seashells by the seashore is a moron

   I remember simpler times, when George Michael was straight, Prince was gay, and Catholic Priests could be trusted with young boys.

   Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate

   My life is just a series of flight or flight responses.

   wondering if my HEART is healthy enough for SEX , volunteers needed.

   The Shawshank Redemption but it's just me tunneling underground from the sofa to the mailbox so I don't have to talk to any of my neighbors.

   If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one so shut your goddam mouth.

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   It was a simpler time when we believed George Michael was straight and Prince was gay

   I just walked right up to him, put my finger over his lips saying 'shhhh.' That hobo was going to cuddle whether he wanted to or not.

   Not a huge leap between apes using long twigs to dig termites out of a nest and our recent discovery of the "selfie stick."