Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.

   Are you sick and tired of having sex? Ask your doctor if 'marriage' is right for you!

   Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

   The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.

   Be the reason someone sighs today.

   It may be a tell-tale sign that I'm spending too much time online when the dogs recognize the sound of my computer shutting down and get excited about it.

   "LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."

   I almost had a 3som last night, I just needed 2 more people.

   If you're afraid of the Dentist, it's probably because you don't go to the Dentist...

   I was going to have sex with you , but you said okie dokie

   Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time

   You're wrong. - First Rule of Right Club

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   Hey Rob Lowe,,, You should have called,,,, I would have loaned you a couple of bucks!!

   if I was a bears fan tonight is as good as any to quit that bad habit.

   The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.

   It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?