Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than your call.

   Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.

   Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love I would probably do for a six pack.

   Just got back from a third world country - I got my box full of Seattle Seahawks 49th Superbowl champions shirt suckers...

   When asked about ISIS yesterday, Obama said, "We will double our efforts..." Hmmm... If my math is correct... Nothing x Nothing is still Nothing!

   Jordanian pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh showed no fear on the face of death, not like them face covering isis pussies.

   The tax revenue from Michael Moore would make a serious dent in the federal deficit.

   i really don"t need to know that you liked your own status...

   4 years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times

   Cannot wait for this new Magic Mike movie -Said no man ever

   If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.

   Hoes wanting to see 50 Shades Of Grey over the SpongeBob movie is what is wrong with this world.

   Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. Well, the marriage is off. And today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony

   Big bulletin from Phoenix: Katy Perry's robotic tiger is loose in downtown Phoenix.

   Why can't effing niqqers resolve issues without always beating the $hit out of someone??

   I always give girls a lollipop on the first date as an ice breaker and so I know what I can expect

   Really, Google Autdetect? What makes you think I want to search for a hardcore poem?

   I just got a snack, and the animals did not hear it... I might be a ninja!