Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...

   Repeating jokes to different crowds is part of part of the fun, sometimes it is beneficial to change them up slightly each time, making them stronger, funnier jokes. So find something better to do with your time. Or just keep being a D!<k.

   "Respect costs you nothing?!" Are you sure?!

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time." Restraining order is on the way.

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. fried chicken is 75% off.

   The Colts would of lost using a Nerf football. . .

   I just found some old "coupons" I got from an ex for a birthday. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   K-WHEN, because everyone already knows why.

   You should learn from the past, live for today, and look forward to tomorrow... I'm gonna take a nap!

   I don't know how the Green Bay Packers could have possibly lost that game with my dad shouting orders at the TV.

   If you hold up a Shell and listen, you should hear the clerk tell you that he doesn't want any trouble.

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. candy is 75% off.

   Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"?

   Great news everyone...According to this pregnancy test I'm just fat!

   You people can keep blaming your weight/waist or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself or others. I was fat in August!

   You can think before you speak if you want to. I prefer to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   People who have never had a suicidal thought have probably never touched a wet public bathroom door knob.

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a great new twist to a rather boring practical joke...

   Wouldn't it be ironic if you found out you were conceived on a pull out couch?

   When one door closes you open it back up...That's how doors work.