Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now if we can land Kim Kardashian, on a comet

   I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.

   None of this would've happened if Michael Brown was white because he would have been home studying...

   Eggnog!.. The only b*tch I'm excited to hear back from after 9 months of absence."

   Most of my verbal communication is just burps and grunts.

   How do they even grow a boneless chicken?

   "so that's what Kim Kardashian's ass looks like" said no one ever.

   Woke up naked and looking so sexy my shower got turned on.

   I don't know about breaking the Internet but Kim's azz will probably break anything it sits on.

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.

   A man in Florida has been sentenced to six months in prison for stockpiling weapons at a compound just 11 miles from Disney World. Eleven miles from Disney World? So . . . in the parking lot?

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.

   Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   There's no telling what will come out a female's mouth when she's mad at you. You just gotta brace yourself and be ready for anything.

   You have my full undivided attention. Sorry I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to my phone.

   The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off

   Kim Kardashian wants to break the internet? All this no talent hack needs to do to break the internet is to sit on it.

   I read a burglar in Nova Scotia fled a crime scene in a canoe. The only way this could be more Canadian is if he was stopped by a police beaver dam.