Funny Status Messages
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If I see you playing drums on your steering wheel I will roll down my window, whip out my air trombone and rock with you. Rules are rules. 
all I'm saying is that Left Shark better be in the next Sharknado
Its pretty cool how we cured Ebola with Measles
Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.
To spare the rod is to spoil the child.....every child needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.
No rest for the wicked. We survive on coffee and vodka.
"If Donald Duck doesn't have to wear pants than neither do I!" Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some background music.
Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.
I love you like drunk people love EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY
Thought I heard birds chirping and almost threw a lamp. It's not spring yet, sky rats.
Tiger had to withdraw because he couldn't activate his glutes. Hopefully he can still activate Lindsey's glutes.
Liking your own Facebook status is kind of like high fiving yourself after a fap. Please stop it!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. My heating bill is out of control and there's a family of raccoons living in my kitchen. Please God, this needs to stop.
Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.
Nobody in the office seems very impressed that I'm wearing Pull-Ups, despite my insistence that they are "big boy" diapers.
The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.
definition of work: activities carried out to maximize the time between two tantrums from my boss!
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along
why is it that when a girl wears only a t-shirt to bed it's cute and sexy, but when I do it I'm some kind of weird, creepy, pervert? 