Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when you Realize that loud sound in the dryer is your cell phone! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

   If you are a real man, take care of your woman. Because if you mistreat her, ignore her, or don't take her concerns seriously, another man will.

   Bill Cosby is funny. You might say he has a rapier wit.

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."

   If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.

   The beer can was invented 80 years ago this week by a Virginia man. God Bless 'Merica!!

   I never said I knew what was going on. Who wants that kind of responsibility?

   Not to brag, but I'm totally going to be the first one shot in any kind of hostage situation.

   If you're married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   Don't worry too much about being alone on Valentine's Day. It's just one day out of the year. There's 364 other days no one loves you too.

   Can't wait to date myself on Valentine's Day

   People dropout of school and get a job at McDonald's talking bout "on my grind" yeah okay, GRIND me up a Oreo McFlurry with yo dumb ass

   California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

   I saw Tom Brady hanging around my car.... Sure enough, I got in, started the car and the low tire pressure light came on.

   I've met some pricks in my life, but you sir are a fcuking Cactus.

   Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?

   My favorite part about the Patriots cheating is it means they didn't have confidence in Brady's skill.

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college