jitney Funny Status Messages

   Today will forever be known as Cinco de Mayweather!

   Dude, you was that drunk..... When I asked you what happened to the bottle of Tequila you said...."I plead the Cinco de Mayo"

   Eggs hide themselves when I tell them Chuck Norrris is coming!

   Easter Eggs are themselves when I tell them Chuk Norrris says "Hi"!

   Gas is $4.39 a gallon.... And girls think we're coming over to Just chill???

   Oh so...they taking money made from Gas to give it to the winner of the MegaMillion Lottery!! Aint that some sh!t!!!

   But in other news.... Etchy Sketches Stocks Went up ever since Romney's spokesman said He'll have to go back to the drawing board.

   Well Skittles Stock just took a plunge, again!!

   Ok, screw it...I'm just gonna wait for the iPad 10 to come out. You know the clear one, has solar power, you can go deep sea-diving with it, and not to mention... using it as a bullet proof chest plate!

   It's funny how once you dislike the personality/actions of one of your co-workers, EVERYTHING They do gets on your nerves/offends you . “Look at this dummy, eating those crackers & drinking coffee like she owns the place! Uggghh"

   This man just said he date homeless women because you can drop them off anywhere

   Just told the waitress her arss look like two kids playing under a blanket...

   I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took them off. "Take off my shoes" I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties!" I took all them off. Then she looks at me n said, "I dont want to catch you wearin my things ever again!"

   Snooki plans to have a baby!.......... WHAT?? What did you say Kanye? "Beyonce's own was better!!!"

   Too many girls put me in the friends zone, I've got to take myself out. Its not going to be a safe haven to long. "The friend zone: where good soldiers go to die."

   ME: Wanna go out with me? GIRL: I have a boyfriend. Me: I have a test tomorrow. GIRL: And? ME: Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on

   My kids call themselves changing their rooms around. All they did was move the t.v

   FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.

   called your boyfriend gay, and he marked up my car with lipstick.

   Bobby Brown abruptly left Whitney Houston's funeral at about 12:20. Heard it was for a smoke break. I think he's just jealous of Kevin Costner's speech