Baddie Funny Status Messages

   There's nothing that a well-planned homicide can't fix.

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.

   If it weren't for the idiotic media, idiots like the Kartrashians would cease to be dominating TV and printed press like they are today.

   FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.

   My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   "No comment" - said no woman, ever

   How much for this brick of gold? Sir, that's a block of cheese.

   "Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"

   “The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

   The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It's like winning an award.

   I'm white but not "get up to go jogging at 3am before work" white.

   Kardashians are like door handles, every one gets a turn.

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.

   Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"

   It's not my job to fix you, people get paid for that.

   Hey ladies, awesome news, I checked, they sell hoodies in the women's section too. I know, right?! ..I'd like mine back