Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.

   Breaking News. A woman finds something that she disagrees with. Does not take to social media in an ear splitting snit about it.

   My awesomeness z like an epiphany... It comes and goes, can never see it coming nor can you try to stop it.

   The girl opposite me on the bus is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and say hello.

   One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if I could help her check her balance... so I pushed her over

   My cat sucks at staring contests!

   When you realize winter is still 5 week away!

   Sneezing while taking a piss is only recommended when you're in a public toilet.

   So...if Wal Mart can sell a TV for $100 the day after Thanksgiving when they're paying 500 employees to work, why can't they sell it for $90 today when there's only 8 employees in the whole store??

   Taxticles: What the IRS comes for when you are out of arms and legs.

   I wonder what my dogs named me?

   Smoking weed can reduce stress levels by more than two thirds, according to my research.

   Wife: Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism? Me: [mocking voice] Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism?

   Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, "We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.

   Would never do the postcode lottery because you share with neighbours !!! There's no way on this fkin Earth would I shar

   Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.

   Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story

   If you don't think the dog licking the floor qualifies as mopping, then we can't be friends.

   The heart wants what the liquor store has.

   My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.