Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you matured and made changes in Your life, you made a "180"....not a DAMN "360." A "360" means the same Degree of Stupidity..

   I'm asian but not "love you long time" asian. More like "love you for 10 min, roll over, and go to bed" asian.

   todays weather 4-6 bottles of beer changing over to a large pizza iwith lots of cheese and pepperoni

   Relationship status: Just yelled "You're the fcuking problem!" at one of the cats.

   Well it's Game Day. I wonder if Tom Brady will be feeling a lot of pressure

   Am I the only one praying for an, "Equiptment Malfunction" during the halftime show tonight?

   Another beheading; I slam is truly the religion of ignorant cowards.

   i think the NFL may be getting close in over hyping the superbowl!

   i knew The Kardashians.we going to screw us up. look what it did too Bruce!!! freaking 0.j.

   I need a drunk texting buddy while I sit at home and drink by myself tonight

   Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts"

   Sorry for pushing you back with a ten foot pole when you asked me to hold your baby.

   Why does every video on America's Funniest Home Videos look like it's still recorded on VHS tape?

   Guys with poodles, explain yourselves.

   Why do people even bother to say stuff like, “Please say hi to so and so for me” when we all know very well that message is never passed on?

   I took 3 years of college chemistry and never once learned how to cook meth so don't tell me about your disappointments.

   The sooner you realize a min wage job is a starting point and not a career, the better off you (and America) will be!

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

   No, I don't like to wear pants. Or as I call them, leg prisons.

   [Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there