Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice try, but you're not getting rid of me that easily.

   You had me at "what does wrong hole mean"?

   Feeding my daughter cold pizza. She will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.

   I think I am beginning to understand Americans. I now know they love guns, blowjobs, masturbation, naps, not wearing pants, pizza, beer and a good murder.

   life's hard, get a helmet!

   Fat chicks and mopeds. Both fun to ride until your friends find out.

   I guess you could say it's my own fault for ignoring the words "directed by Tyler Perry"

   Most of the Ferguson folks these days seem to be white journalists desperately hoping for violence.

   [boarding an airplane in west Africa]... "Have you had any diarrhea in the last 24 hours?"..."Yes. I had 2 tablespoons before bed last night."

   FYI: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats, if you push people off them and sit real fast.

   Do Canadians call the middle of Canada the midnorth??

   It's so cold in Canada the bank tellers wear ski masks!

   In response to recent rape allegations, TV Land has pulled all episodes of the Cosby Show off the air. My life is ruined.

   "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

   I never thought Charles Manson would be having a better week than Bill Cosby.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

   When you consider names for your baby,,,, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.

   "Hospice," contrary to popular belief,,, was not one of the Spice Girls.

   Disappointed to learn it's not going to kill me ... because I'm done with waiting for it to make me stronger.

   I suspect that my local Wal-Mart's selling knock-off canned spaghetti... I'd investigate,, but I'm worried it'll open a whole can of worms.