Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry you bled to death while I was looking at my phone.

   My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I'm just glad to be involved.

   We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.

   Imagine if we lived in a world where the children of Gaza received as much media attention as Kim Kardashian's haircut did

   "That's What." - She

   I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course.... :/ I've never had to run this fast, so far in all my life!

   Barack Obama, Merkel, Hollande...We have become a world full of pu$$ies

   Drinking Grey-goose with Crystal.. at least I think that's her name.

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.

   selfies are so last year, this year it's othies

   "The food at the last supper was pretty terrible so I ordered pizza" ‪#‎BrianWilliamstories‬

   "To spare the rod is to spoil the" adult....."every adult needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.

   Light beer, apple whiskey, fat free, gluten free, lactose free...We have become a world full of p ussies.

   I'm kinda the dark, handsome type. If it's DARK, I'm handsome.

   Plus-Sized is just a politically correct term for fat.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping.... with a really angry bear near by.

   The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life". The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"

   Sorry my posts aren't up to my normal level. MY glutes keep shutting down.