Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Kanye, can you stop kissing Jay Z and Beyonce's a$$es at every award show? Thx.

   Yes creepy guy at work , we all know what you mean when you talk about eating your wife's fish taco...

   Guys who drink light roast coffee.... Does it bother your wife that she has to be the man in the family?

   If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.

   Sam Smith is a chubby Rick Astley!

   I can't believe Katy Perry's date wasn't Left Shark!

   No thanks feelings, I'll just take the sex.

   "When you grow up and are paying all the bills, then you can make up arbitrary rules about why you get the last slice of bacon" ~ Me, parenting.

   PRO TIP: Vodka doesn't care if you are still wearing pajamas at the dinner table.

   Zuckerberg claims he wears a gray t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things tht don't matter. BTW, he created Facebook.

   Just texted my wife "goodnight sweetheart, I love you" but accidentaly sent it to my boss, which is awkward because he likes to hold my hand in meetings.

   I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.

   To be fair, a dogs butthole might taste fantastic and we've been judging them wrong all these years.

   I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.

   The brighter colord vegetables you buy, the more festive they look in your garbage when you throw them away 2 weeks later.

   FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".

   Watching Sam Smith win all those Grammy's really reminded me of how much I like Tom Petty.

   Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.

   The Grammys would be awesome if it was actually about celebrating the best artists in the country. Instead it is just about which ones get the most corporate sponsorship and sound the most generic.

   Obama needs a grammy for those gas prices