Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.

   Black Friday shopping is unnecessary when you already did your shopping on looters Tuesday.

   BLACK FRIDAY, when people trample others for cheap goods mere hours after being thankful for what they already have

   I was gonna stop flashing, but think I may stick it out, for a bit longer

   Are you allowed in Starbucks if your computer is not a Mac? - asking for a white girl

   Don’t text and drive. You’ll misspell a lot of words and people will be like wow I don’t respect this guy.

   I'm starting to realize that in order to have a successful 0rgy, other people must be present

   There's a Black Friday sale at my house, pants are 100% off

   Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...

   Single girls, who are you wearing matching panties and bra for? Singles guys, who are you wearing clean underwear for?

   I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

   Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

   We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.

   Colonized means "Inhabited by a foreign race or power." Inhabited means, "Lived in." Foreign means, "Not from your country." Just in case you're struggling with that one, Yank. You're welcome.

   What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A lift

   Black Friday: Because it's supposed to look like a riot

   John Kellogg (the cereal tycoon) founded the Race Betterment Foundation, an organization which planned to sterilize minorities in the U.S.

   I hate when I remember I'm not American and have to work tomorrow.

   If I offer to take you out to eat and you are rude to the waiter like you are the one paying the bill expect me to embarrass your shameless ass in front of the same waiter.

   The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.