Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waiter, is the chicken cage-free? Yes, they've never seen a Nicholas Cage movie. Not even Con-Air?! That's a classic! Fine, I'll have the steak.

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   I tried j*rking off with my left hand and, it doesn't feel so right

   Kim Kardashian got her hair cut short today....... I hope it doesn't make her A$$ look to big.....

   Bruce Jenner has barely admitted to transitioning to be a female and has already begun to drive as bad as one.

   don't go outside, people talk to you. i'm still shaking.

   what wine goes with Mood Stabilizers

   The cats didn't hear me getting myself a snack. I'm a ninja.

   The kids of Gaza do recieve the media attention, when they act up, we spank them

   Sorry you bled to death while I was looking at my phone.

   My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I'm just glad to be involved.

   We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.

   Imagine if we lived in a world where the children of Gaza received as much media attention as Kim Kardashian's haircut did

   "That's What." - She

   I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course.... :/ I've never had to run this fast, so far in all my life!

   Barack Obama, Merkel, Hollande...We have become a world full of pu$$ies

   Drinking Grey-goose with Crystal.. at least I think that's her name.

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.